Monday, September 26, 2011

Lost Smile

Has anyone seen her smile?
It’s quite contagious, spreading all around Manhattan isle

Normally, it’s difficult to miss
Like sunshine illuminating the darkest abyss

I last saw it peak cheek-to-cheek on a brisk spring day
Radiating across her face when he looked her way

Its warmth penetrating her admirer’s core
But since that day it’s been seen no more

What a pity if it’s gone for good
Fallen to the ground and left where he stood.



David said...

This leaves a tinge of sadness, yet there is intrigue to the question.
Really liked it

~~~~~~~ said...

Thanks, David! I'm glad my poetry caused you to feel something. I think a writer's goal is to always pull emotion out of the reader, even if it's slightly uncomfortable.

Anonymous said...

Great imagery. Smooth flow. Especially like the second to the last line, when the smile falls...Robert

Anonymous said...

A sad beautiful poem. Liked the rhythm.

Anonymous said...

This is definitely one of my favorites. Lots of emotion.

Anonymous said...

Good poem.
2nd line. Consider:
It catches,spreads around Manhatton Isle

Anonymous said...

Try 4th Line:

"Like sunshine in the darkest abyss."

Anonymous said...

Consider for line 6:
"Earth stood still as he looked her way."
Well done.

Anonymous said...

Since then its been seen no more.

Anonymous said...

Final line. Consider:
Fallen smile: grounded: left where he stood.


~~~~~~~ said...

Thank you for your thoughtful comments and recommendations, my anonymous friend. What I love about poetry is that it's like cooking because it gives writers the freedom to play with different combinations of words to tell a story the same way chefs can mix together various ingredients to create a dish. The beauty of both is that there is no specific formula as is the case with a scientific or mathematical proof so long as all of the elements blend together to produce something pleasing to the audience.

~~~~~~~ said...

As it turns out, I do like how you compare her smile to sunshine and added that simile to line four. Thanks again for your comments! =)

Terra said...

Very good. Being a writer myself, I notice the rythm has acceleration in some unneeded areas. I would consider revising. I have read many others of yours and believe you have a talent. Visit my works at my blog.

Michael del Castillo said...

I liked the rhythm too. One of those poems with a balance of meaning and design that complement each other, the way they should. I hate when a poem's architecture overshadows its meaning, and slightly less, but still so, when a poem's meaning overshadows its form. In the great tradition of the Bohemians, let truth and beauty shine!